As we build on our discussion from the last few days of "testifying to love", today let's focus on "How to REALLY love your child". That's actually the name of a book by Dr. Ross Campbell, a christian psychiatrist specializing in young children.
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Some words in his book have reminded me of some very important things that I learned along the way in parenting that were and still are HUGE. I'll give the principle that I have learned over the years and then I'll give a comment of Dr. Campbell's on the subject:
- I MUST LEARN TO SHOW LOVE IN MY CHILD'S LOVE LANGUAGE. My children may not feel genuinely loved by me because we speak different "love languages". Dr. Campbell says, "Tom knew of his parents' love and concern for him and never would have told you otherwise. Nonetheless, the incomparable emotional well-being of feeling completely and unconditionally loved and accepted was not Tom's."
- FIRST CORINTHIANS 13, AGAPE LOVE, NEEDS TO BE THE GOAL. He says, "The foundation of a solid relationship with our child is unconditional love. Only that type of love relationship can assure a child's growth to his full and total potential. Only this foundation of unconditional love can assure prevention of problems such as feelings of resentment, being unloved, guilt, fear, insecurity. We can be confident that a child is correctly disciplined only if our primary relationship with him is one of unconditional love. Without a basis of unconditional love it is not possible to understand a child, his behavior, or to know how to deal with misbehavior."
- EYE CONTACT IS FOUNDATIONAL TO REAL LOVE. Dr. RC says, "A child uses eye contact with his parents (and others) to feed emotionally. The more parents make eye contact with their child as a means of expressing their love, the more a child is nourished with love and the fuller is his emotional tank."
- PHYSICAL CONTACT IS FOUNDATIONAL TO REAL LOVE. Dr. RC emphasizes, "Surprisingly, studies show that most parents touch their children only when necessity demands it, as when helping them to dress, undress, or get into the car...You seldom see a parent on his own volition or out of the blue take an opportunity to touch his child. I don't mean just hugging, kissing, and the like. I'm also talking about... to touch a child on his shoulder, gently poke him in the ribs, or tousle his hair. "
- FOCUSED ATTENTION IS FOUNDATIONAL TO REAL LOVE. Dr. RC continues, "Eye contact and physical contact seldom require real sacrifice by parents. Focused attention does require time, and sometimes a lot of it... our full, undivided attention in such a way that he feels without a doubt that he is completely loved. That he is valuable enough in his own right to warrant parents' undistracted watchfulnness, appreciation, and uncompromising regard. In short, focused attention makes a child feel he is the most important person in the world to his parents' eyes."
- DISCIPLINE THROUGH THE EYES OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. This love must be fair, firm, and consistent. Dr. RC points out that, "in order for a child to respond well to discipline, we parents must give him what he needs. A child can learn well only if he is happy, feels safe, content, confident, secure, accepted, and loved."
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